TV Chefs

Who doesn’t love TV chefs? They truly are a fascinating breed and thanks to their increasing popularity and inflated sense of self-importance, they are popping up all over the place just begging to be noticed and discussed in great detail. This page is dedicated entirely to them and all their glory, possibly listed from most worst to least worst.

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The ultimate in dodgy TV chefing is Huey, that fat New Zealand git who manages to fuck up at least once per show. Here he is looking delicious in his capsicum-coloured shirt contrasting nicely against a backdrop of mustard, not dissimilar to baby shit. Huey has his own show, Huey’s Cooking Adventures, which is indeed an adventure. You just never know when he’s going to get it right! He also has a book titled, Never trust a skinny cook. Okay Huey, we won’t. You shifty bastard. Ironically, Huey is also the inventor of The Huey Diet, which is obviously crap because he’s still fat. People keep raving on and on about this diet and how amazing it is. Have these people no eyes in their heads? Have they not seen the before and after photos? HE’S STILL FAT!

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Huey’s Tuna Pasta with Glue and Cheese

In a saucepan mix some flour and butter and milk to make a white sauce glue. Throw in some cheese and try it before it’s ready. Meanwhile, cook some pasta in some water and let it fester while you try to sort out the glue fiasco. Chuck the pasta into the glue and stir it all about. Add parsley, mustard from a jar, tuna and more parsley. Fling it into a “gratin” dish and slop a jar of red pasta sauce all over it so it resembles an abortion in a baking dish. Add more cheese and throw it in the oven. This really is “comfort food” Huey informs us. Yes, it’s comforting to know I will never have to eat it.

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Here’s Bill Grainger, a pastel-hued nancy boy who needs to seriously come out and stop trying to fool us all with his beard of a wife. Bill is such a gay man. What sort of bloke has a white kitchen decked out in pastel? A gay bloke, that’s who. You seriously need to reconsider your image when your clothes match your kitchen. Even his teeth match his shelves. Bill doesn’t believe in apostrophes or capital letters and so called his cooking show bills food. Bill allegedly became famous because of some scrambled eggs he cooked. No doubt he whipped them up in a pale blue bowl with an ivory whisk while he regaled his audience with a delightful anecdote about his culinary mishaps. Oh Bill! It’s heartening to know that even the best get it wrong sometimes! Poof.

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bills chocolate self-saucing pudding sans apostrophes and caps, which helps keep it simple apparently. sift some flour, salt, sugar, baking powder and cocoa powder into a pale pink bowl, it doesnt matter how much, bill is busy talking about something that happened at a dinner party once. next add the milk, butter, egg and vanilla extract and mix with a light blue electric beater until combined. continue crapping on about something your mother did, all the while looking slighty to the right of the camera. laugh. pour into four greased mauve pudding moulds. do it slowly and delicately, because you are gay after all. smile broadly, exposing your flashy white teeth. wait. is that a man behind the camera there? well hello. did i ever tell you about this dinner party i had to cook for once? they had no kitchen! i couldnt believe it. and then i got really drunk on all their champagne and tried to crack on to my wifes brother…

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Jamie Oliver is that lisping pommy git who attempted to put a hip and happening twist on cooking. He did this by not keeping the camera still, which made everyone want to throw up. He also refered to himself as The Naked Chef, which just made him look like a fuckwit. Fortunately for us, he never once got his gear off. But let’s face it, who wants to see a pasty white bastard with a speech impediment getting around a kitchen with nothing on, up to his elbows in pesto? Bill Grainger probably does, but the rest of us would rather not.

Here we see Jamie attempting to pour some good olive oil down the front of his pants

Jamie married some slag who then spat out a couple of brats named Poppy Honey and Daisy Boo. WTF? This officially gave Jamie “Complete Knob” status in the esteemed world of TV chefing, a title usually reserved for chefs who tell jokes while they are cooking. Or anecdotes. Jamie often has some people from rent-a-crowd round to dinner at the end of each show and they all sit there trying to pretend they know him and that his food is like, really amazing! But secretly they don’t want to eat it because they know it’s been sprayed with spit while he was cooking it. Jamie has heaps of books out now and that’s the only reason why his wife stayed with him. She has since written her own book titled, Some Crap About Being a Mother. Like she’s an expert on the subject even though her kids were both under three when she wrote it. It includes tips on how to save money and time. Handy when your husband is a millionaire you stupid, self-indulgent bitch.

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Jamie’s basic oil and lemon dressing

You will need: One lemon; good extra virgin olive oil; salt and pepper.  Cut the lemon in half and squeeze the halves through your pudgy, pasty fingers into a glass bowl. Pick out any pips and then cover with three times as much olive oil as there is lemon juice, pouring the oil from three feet in the air. Quickly dash to the other side of the room, so the camera has to move suddenly. Come back and start spraying spit all over the place as you discuss what you could do with some fresh herbs, if you were given half the chance. Season with salt and freshly ground black pepper from a gigantic pepper grinder you need a step ladder to use. Whisk or stir well using an elaborate, jerky motion. Pour it all over a salad you are serving to your “friends”.

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Kylie Kwong is an annoying Chinese bitch who likes to think that Chinese cooking need not be complicated. Yeah right, Kylie. That’s why they invented Chinese restaurants. Strangely, she doesn’t call her recipes Number 26 or Number 14. Instead they get such illustrious names as Baked Whole Snapper filled with Lobster and Lemongrass, served with Roasted Cherry Tomatoes. Not complicated my arse. Kylie loves to get in touch with her Chinese heritage although readily admits she can’t speak a word of Mandarin or Cantonese. Some Chinese person you turned out to be, Kylie, if that is your real name. Kylie is a fan of tunic-style clothing, which makes me suspect that she seriously needs to consider the Huey diet.

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Kylie’s version of Mrs Jang’s a real chinese person’s home-style fried eggs: Fry some eggs in a wok.

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