Christmas is Shit.

I’m bored shitless with Christmas. And, no, it’s not because I haven’t had a decent present since 1978 when I got my green dragster with the gear lever on the top tube and the ape hanger handlebars.

I’m bored because it’s the same old shit every year: buying shit, eating shit, drinking shit, talking shit, then going home and having a big shit.

The pressure is immense and the crowds and queues in the stores are out of control. The other day I went into JB hifi to get something that had nothing to do with Christmas and the line for the cash register went all the way back to 1992. I wanted to yell out that I wasn’t here for any Christmas shopping and that I didn’t want anything to do with that rubbish idea of a holiday and therefore should be allowed to go to the front of the queue, but a pitchfork-wielding mob seemed to be forming near the Arthouse movies section and put an end to that idea quick smart. I had to go home and buy what I wanted online.

Christmas is the stupidest, weirdest thing “western society” has ever come up with.

Firstly, it’s all about spending money and if you don’t actually have any money right now, you must spend the money you will have in the future. And if you don’t buy shit for people and decorate your house with the most hideous, gawdy shit ever known to mankind YOU WILL NOT HAVE A GOOD TIME. And we all know what happens to people who don’t have a good time at Christmas. They are mocked for all eternity like a character in a sanctimonious Charles Dickens novel.

Then there’s the celebration of imaginary characters: Santa and Jesus. I just don’t get it. Is Santa the comic foil to Jesus’s straight man act? How the hell did these two even end up together? I mean, think about it! If they did a porno film together it would make more sense. And at least that would be worth celebrating. The weird thing about the Jesus/Santa combo is that at some point in a child’s life they are told the crushing news that Santa isn’t real. But everyone neglects to mention that Jesus isn’t real either, nor the fact he doesn’t love you and you aren’t going to heaven to be with Grandpa and Snuffles the bunny and that it was all a big lie to make you behave yourself … but I digress.

Every year some dick on TV or radio starts spouting some sycophantic drivel about “remembering the true meaning of Christmas”. What exactly is the true meaning? Giving to the poor? Being kind to others? Since when was that ever the true meaning? Christmas piggy-backed on the old Pagan Festival of Whatever and has been in steady decline ever since so why don’t we just get rid of it all together and start a new thing that has nothing to do with anything.

Unfortunately the reality is that for the foreseeable future Christmas is here to stay. I think the least we can do is be honest about what’s really going on: It’s just an excuse to get drunk, eat more than your own body weight in food and get your greasy, gravy-stained mitts on as many presents as possible. Hopefully you’ll be left with some dignity and enough room for Boxing Day.

And if anyone wants to get me a green dragster from the 1970s I’d be more than happy to accept.

Merry Christmas you fuckers.

Tags: Christmas