My Name is Stoopid

Recently a friend posted a link to the 2011 Bond’s Baby Search so we could all vote for her baby and thereby make her feel more valid and worthwhile as a human being as she exploited her child’s (undoubtedly short) cuteness stage. Intrigued,  I decided to take a peek inside the world of the modern day baby contest…

What struck me as most alarming was not a load of coy poses in precocious ensembles (this is not, after all, the world of Jon-Benet) but the ridiculous NAMES people have been inflicting on their offspring of late.

Now I am all for a bit of creative and original name-calling–I call my kids Bitch and Fuggers all the time–but these people are surely taking the piss! The only good thing I suppose is that these kids will be used to hearing people called ridiculous, made-up words and won’t think anything of it. It’s poor little Johnny or Mary who will be the future victims of playground bullying purely for the fact that their parents aren’t retarded bogans.

So instead of voting for the child who got luckiest in the gene pool by way of looks, I decided to vote for the stupidest name. It was a tough call and ended in a tie between Koopah and Coupah. Now this is obviously a phonetic version of the name Cooper, which, incidentally, is not a name at all. A cooper is a person who makes barrels. Or used to make barrels when society depended on a good barrel to transport their bootleg liquor from one place to another. I suspect that most barrels are made in a factory in China these days. So why not call your baby that? Factoryinchina. You could hyphenate it: Factory-In-China or go for some radical spelling, Phactoree-in-Chynah. Sweet.

Anyway, I digress. Here are some tips on how to make up a stupid name for your offspring.

1. If you want a truly original name you are going to have to start from scratch. Simply write down random letters in the order of consonant, vowel, consonant, vowel and continue until it sounds like a stripper’s name. You should use at least two A’s and always end with an H. Eg Kaliyah, Taniyah, Alarah, Shakayah
2. Take a popular, everyday word like ‘money’ and simply add a prefix: Sharmoney.
3. Go to Google maps and zoom in on the United States. Denver, Indiana, Philadelphia, Brooklyn, Tennessee. This is a popular method so you’ll have get creative if you want to be original. Again, try the phonetic spelling or adding an H: Indiannah, Denvah, Jorjah. Or go one step further and leave a letter out: D’kotah
4. Try putting a twist on random verbs or nouns: Chayse, Blaize, Slayd, Steele. Good for naming our future men.
5. Or you could go for the old classic of using a surname as a first name but jazzing it up slightly: Jaxon, Hudsyn, Baylee.
6. If you can’t decide between two versions of the same name just tack them together: Jack-John
7. And if you still can’t think of something just choose from the stock standard list: Taylah, Mikayla, Jayden, Kaydence, Addison, Tyler, Jarrah, Logan, Ryder, Levi, Jai, or Kaiden. Be warned though, these names are not original and should only be used as a last resort. You run a serious risk of your child sounding just like everyone else.

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