The Smart Girls’ Guide to Dating the Zodiac

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With my many years of relationship experience combined with my incredible astrological insight and wisdom, I bring you my ultimate guide to dating every sign of the zodiac in the hope that I can at least save you from one more dating disaster. Forewarned is forearmed.

Aries

If you’re looking for a selfish, impatient, and angry bastard who is motivated entirely by his own interests then look no further than Aries. This guy sees everything as a competition and will even trample down his own grandmother in an egg-and-spoon race to get over the finish line first. Whether he’s revving his engine at the traffic lights or pummelling his opponent’s face into the football field with his fist, you can be guaranteed an action packed adventure with this macho man. He’ll push in front of you in a queue and always goes through a door first. When you gently suggest he might try being a little more considerate of others he’ll look at you bewildered as he tries to remember your name.

Taurus

Greedy, lazy, tight-fisted and stubborn, Taurus will make you pay for dinner then lie back and expect you to do everything in the sack. Taurus is all about the sensual pleasures of life: food. If he tries to introduce it into the boudoir don’t start thinking he’s gone all Nine and a Half Weeks on you. You can be certain he only intends to eat it. When he’s finished you can lie in the crumbs next to him and think about how fat he’ll be in five years.

Gemini

This arsehole will talk about you behind your back, sleep with your best friend, then come home and piss all over the toilet seat. Geminis like to think they are eternally youthfully and full of childlike wonder when in actual fact they are just immature losers who can’t hold down a job for longer than five minutes. He’ll stand you up if something better comes along, won’t return your calls or actually do anything he says he’s going to do. Gemini will drive you insane with frustration as you watch him start a million different hobbies and projects and never finish one of them. They are fond of wearing Lycra, despite not actually owning a bike.  If that’s not grounds for dismisal then I don’t know what is.

Cancer

Cancerians want you to think they are sensitive to your emotions and really in tune with women but it’s all an act to fool you into listening to him go on for hours about how he had such a hard time growing up and no one liked him because of his mansion and private schooling. This leads to pathetic attempts at popularity among his peers. So desperate to be liked and accepted, he goes to great lengths to appear cool and hip but just ends up looking like a fuckwit set to bad music. This is because he secretly wants to sleep with his mother. The majority of Cancerians never leave home. If they do they still have their parents provide everything for them. If you date a Cancerian you will never get over your own bad judgement and will eventually die from embarrassment.

Leo

Flashy displays of generosity and magnanimity are just a front for the fact that he’s an arrogant prick. When he’s not being an arrogant prick, he’s busy being an arrogant prick. Leo sincerely believes that you should bow when he enters the room. And when you’ve done that you can go get his paper and slippers for him. He is the king after all. He’ll take you out to the best restaurants in town and look at himself in the back of a spoon. When you’re out strolling in the park, he’ll take off his mirrored sunglasses and fix his hair. When you go to watch a romantic film together you’ll catch him checking out his biceps in the dark. When you tell him you don’t think it’s working out between you he’ll ask you what the hell is wrong with you.

Virgo

If you want to spend your weekends purchasing vitamins and Googling medical conditions, start hanging out with a Virgo. On your first date he will get you to help him alphabetize his ailments. When you’re done you can sit and listen to him point out your faults as he gazes at you through a magnifying glass under a spotlight. Virgo likes to immediately jump in the shower after sex because he has to wash all the girl germs off.  No one would blame you for smothering him in his sleep.

Libra

All Libra men are gay.

Scorpio

If you want to go to jail for twenty years to life then Scorpio is the man for you. (This is based on the statistical data that seven out of ten Scorpio people are murdered.) Sure, he seems really smooth and hot and sexy, and he is. He’s on fire in the bedroom and will make you feel like the only person he’s ever had eyes for. But when you come home to find your frozen chicken stabbed with a pair of scissors and the cord cut off your iron, you’ll start to wish you hadn’t smiled at the waiter when you were out for dinner last week. Insane jealousy, suspicion, emotional manipulation and continual mind-fucking are all solid foundations for a great relationship. And murder.

Sagittarius

This guy thinks he’s smart and witty and entertaining. Everyone else thinks he’s an idiot. In fact, Sagittarians are so socially inept they are often known as the ‘embarrassing relatives’ of the zodiac. If you start dating one you should expect your social credibility to go down by about 42% in the first five minutes, then steadily decline at a rate of 0.5% a day until you are in negative balance. By the time you realise you have no friends left Sagittarius has already moved on to someone else and you will die cold and alone in a housing commission high rise, your life in ruins.

Capricorn

Firstly, if you find yourself on a date with a Capricorn you should double check that he actually is a Capricorn because most of them don’t leave work to go on dates unless it can benefit their career in some way. Perhaps you’re his boss. Perhaps he’s mistaken you for someone important.  Either way, he’ll regale you with fascinating tales of the ups and downs of his stock portfolio over a lovely dinner of raw lentils and cardboard. This bastard is so boring you’ll be wishing you’d gone on a date with a chair instead. In fact, if you’re so desperate that you actually consider going home with him, be warned: sleeping with a Capricorn is like having sex with a blow up doll without any air in it.

Aquarius

When you meet Aquarius you are overwhelmed with a sense of excitement. He’s electric, he’s quirky, funny, original, brilliant and sponaneous. He’s also erratic and unreliable. You discover this when you go around to see him and his flatmate tells you he went to live in an ashram in India and has taken your CD collection with him. Take heart in the knowledge that your relationship wouldn’t have lasted anyway because he will eventually die of auto-erotic asphyxiation.

Pisces

The victim of the zodiac, Pisces blames everyone else for everything that has gone wrong in his life. If you meet one, look carefully and you’ll notice at least five of the following traits:

1) Drug addict

2) Alcoholic

3) Adulterer

4) Martyr complex

5) Liar

6) All of the above

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

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