Top Ten Psychics Awards

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I love psychics. They’re so entertaining. They’re also full of shit. So here, ranked not according to any real or imagined ability but rather for their incredible audacity to spout absolute bullshit, is the ultimate guide to People Who Are More Than Willing to Relieve You of Your Cash in Return for Nothing. They fall into two categories: those who actually believe they have a “gift” (aka delusional) and those who are outright liars (aka outright liars). So here they are, from the ridiculous to the stupid. Gaze into the crystal ball and see if you can predict the winner.

10. Edgar Cayce

Known as the Sleeping Prophet, this joker would reveal his premonitions whilst having a bit of a snooze. Edgar (who is hailed by some as the father of the New Age movement) would lie down and enter a trance-like state, delivering his messages to people who weren’t there from people that don’t exist. That’s right, the person he was doing the reading for wasn’t even allowed in the room at the time. Old Sleepy Head would focus mainly on health problems but his powers also extended to reincarnation, business advice and personal problems. He was also quite fond of astral travel and would nip off for a bit of a trek about the place whenever the mood would strike. A devout Christian, poor Edgar falls into the delusional category of psychics, taking out the tenth place with a double whammy of delusion by being both a Christian and a psychic. Even though he died in 1945, his legacy lives on with tens of thousands of nut jobs around the globe keeping his dreams alive.

9. Sylvia Browne

This old bag is the stuff of nightmares — really creepy nightmares where scary women tell you that dead people are watching you all the time. Even when you poo. Her attention seeking ways began at the tender age of five when she revealed to her grandma that she was having visions. Instead of rushing poor little Sylvie off to the nearest shrink, grandma encouraged the delusional behaviour and seventy years later Little Miss I-See-Dead-People has authored several books and appeared on countless TV shows and even a soap opera. Sylvia is a regular visitor to heaven and, oddly, claims that the weather is perfect and there are no insects. Sounds awesome. Despite her ambient temperature requirements and latent entomophobia, Sylvia falls into the category of outright liar psychic because, as she revealed to her ex-husband in 2007, “gullible people deserve to be taken advantage of”. Convicted of grand larceny in 1992, Sylvia has faced several fraud charges over the years. But the worst moment must surely have been when the missing young man, whose parents she told on national television that their son was dead, turned up a few months later alive and well.

8. Uri Gellar

Spoon bending fruitcake from Tel Aviv, Uri Gellar has been proven time and again as a fraud and that his cutlery deforming ways are a crock of shit. Yet he still insists that he really does have the powers of psychokinesis. Moving on from parlour tricks, Uri decided to try his hand at predictions, particularly sports results, but he was so bad at it that it soon became known as the Gellar Curse: if he predicted the team would win, they would almost certainly lose. Uri then tried acting and writing only to discover that he sucked at that too. In fact, the only thing Uri was good at was suing people. But Uri’s greatest moment was when he declared kidnapped Hungarian model, Helga Farkas, would be found alive and well. She was in fact murdered by her kidnappers. Uri gets the prize for most persistent lunatic but it should not detract from the fact that he is the ultimate outright liar.

7. Jackie Stallone

Jackie Stallone can read your arse. That’s right, your rear end. Sly’s mum has pioneered the revival of a supposedly ancient and bizarre technique known as Rumpology, which in layman’s terms is butt reading. You send Jackie a picture of your backside and she’ll tell you everything you need to know about your life, loves,  the future and the past. It’s all written in the cheeks, where the left one represents the right hemisphere of the brain and vice versa. You get a personal report written by Jackie herself detailing exactly what your bum has in store for you in the next 12 months. Despite looking like a hatful of arseholes herself, Jackie seems to be financially secure which makes me suspect that she might be somewhat delusional about her talents.

6. John Edward

Stage-prancing, tunic-sporting fat boy, John Edward is the showman of the psychic scene. Most wannabe psychics aspire to be just like John. King of the cold reading, John’s predictions seem to fly all over the place and never seem to settle on anything concrete: “It starts with a W or is it an A? No wait, has Mom passed on? No? I’m getting an older female. Your grandmother has passed? Her name was Valerie? Yeah. It’s her. She’s showing me yellow roses.” Outright liar. Next.

5. James Van Praagh

More of the same with this clown I’m afraid. In fact James is so unoriginal in his methods that he could almost be considered a Generic Psychic. He’s written a few books, had a TV show and gotten pretty much all of his public predictions wrong. James likes to prey on people who have recently lost a loved one by claiming to get his information direct from heaven. The lines must be crossed or something because James says that sometimes he misinterprets the meaning and has an odd habit of correcting his predictions after the fact with the benefit of hindsight. There’s no delusion here just an outright liar. He’s also as camp as Christmas.

4. Derek Acorah

Regular readers will know how much I love Derek. Even though he’s completely full of shit, at least he’s entertaining. This guy’s the ultimate melodramatic psychic, always getting possessed by some rogue ghost or other. The former footballer likes to roam the country in his big bus looking for haunted locations then tells the residents some crock about the spirits not being able to move on. He then conducts a seance, gets possessed, collapses, gets carried outside to recover before going back in to finish the job. He’s stoic, I’ll give him that. He’s also an outright liar.

3. Doreen Virtue

Looking like a newer, improved version of Sylvia Browne, Dr. Doreen has a PhD in something to do with psychology. I think she may have gotten it over the Internet or out of a Cornflakes packet. Maybe it was a box of crackers. Whatever it was, it certainly helped her understand human nature enough to take advantage of it. Doreen talks to angels. She also runs Certified Angel Therapy Courses, where you too can learn to speak to imaginary beings. You have to pay of course. You can also buy her Angel Oracle Cards, which she designed herself. Doreen is the queen of merchandising, with a plethora of books, tapes, CDs, kits and jewelry. Doreen has a range. Doreen has an empire. This makes me suspect that she is less of a psychic and more of a marketing genius. Ka-ching! Ka-ching! She does get personalised messages from Archangels now and again, which she posts on her website for all to read. Maybe she does this to keep the hordes happy when the sales start to dwindle. Check out her message boards when you’re bored one day and you’ll see the ramblings of the delusional hanging on every word of this outright liar.

2. Allison DuBois

I think it’s pronounced Doob-wah but I like to pronounce it as Dubious. She’s on the telly in that show called Medium where she has premonitions and gets around all stressed and shit. To be honest I don’t really know what happens on the show because I’ve never been able to sit through an entire episode without nodding off. Allison’s a bit of a glamour girl, more glamourous than Dr. Doreen. In fact she almost gets her tits out on her website. Being a psychic is big business and if you really want to make it you’d better look good. Sex sells and that rule doesn’t stop just cos you’re being all spiritual and stuff. Put it this way, Allison ain’t no medium. She’s closer to a large. Allison claims she’s been touched by many spirits over the years and they’ve all helped her put together her crap books. If I’d been touched by that many spirits I’d be filing a police report.

Newsflash: It wasn’t the spirits touching you Allison. It was Daddy.

1. Emily Poynton

You may not have heard about this precocious little shit but that’s only because she’s just starting out. Give it time. She’ll be scamming someone at a psychic convention near you soon. This could quite possible be the worst case of child abuse ever. Little Emily is the daughter of Jodiann Poynton who obviously failed miserably as a psychic in her own right and decided to exploit her own daughter in an attempt to get some recognition. Now Emily is hailed as Australia’s youngest psychic at just 8 years old. Emily can’t go to school any more because she is too sensitive. Emily glows with love. Emily has this amazing gift. Emily, my friends, is full of shit, evil shit pumped into her brain by her self-serving, egomaniac mother. Here’s the best that Emily can come up with in a reading: “Always take good care of yourself. You’re a beautiful person and you have always been a beautiful person and always take good care of yourself. Do you understand?” In fact she seems to end every sentence with “Do you understand?” which makes me suspect that she doesn’t.

It’s that alone that wins Emily first place. See the Bindi Irwin of the psychic world here:

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