God's Almighty BBQ
The end is nigh! If it’s not today, it’ll be tomorrow. If it’s not tomorrow it might be next week. It could be three weeks from Monday. It could happen on the first Sunday after the first full moon after the equinox (i.e. Easter). But it’s gonna happen. It’s just a matter of when.
Fortunately there’s some good news in sight. When god finally gets pissed off with everyone and decides to torch the joint, you can rest assured in the knowledge that you can spam your unbelieving relatives from the comfort of heaven, giving them one last chance to accept Jesus as their main man.
These jokers have come up with a brilliant idea where for 40 American bucks you can spam up to 62 of your closest friends and relatives on the day of reckoning. So, if they have previously laughed in your face at your attempts to bring them salvation, you might still be able to reach them at the last minute.
Well sort of.
The problem is, this crazy scheme is set up to automatically send all this salvation spam when the site administrators fail to log in for three consecutive days. Then it waits for another three days, just to be sure. Then it sends out the spam to all the non-believing heathens six days after the end of the world.
“But if the world ends won’t the Internet end too?”
Indeed. Here’s the answer:
I do believe that the Internet will be up and running. There may be some localized temporary outages. Today the entire global economic and commerce system is completely dependant on the Internet to function. They will keep it working. There is also huge redundancy and overlap in the system. A message keep trying pathways and services until it is delivered. Most of the net is buried underground. Eventually God will take it down, as he destroys the World system that has been built up by a people trying to do it all without him. That won’t be until the second half of the tribulation though.
Phew. Looks like they’ve really thought this thing through.
“But what if my loved ones’ computers melt in the inferno?”
A very important question but there’s no answer for that one unfortunately.
Looks like they might have to install a firewall.
And how do you know you can trust these people with your $40?
Just read their statement of faith and remember that Jesus “died dead on the cross” for you, you ungrateful bastard.
4 Comments
Monday, March 9, 2009 at 11:10 am
Wow. That’s really stunning.
Monday, March 9, 2009 at 3:09 pm
I have been left behind.
Thursday, March 26, 2009 at 6:39 am
Do you ever get the feeling that hell would be the only interesting place in which to spend eternity? I once wrote a short story in which the believers were left behind and everybody else got raptured off to different, more suitable places, and the believers were left here, to suffer what they had wrought. Since they didn’t believe in evolution, there wouldn’t be any, etc. Might be time to dust it off and throw it up on the internet. Before the end, that is. Or is it already here?
Sunday, March 29, 2009 at 8:31 am
Sounds to me like you could be onto something. I don’t think the end is here yet. I think it’s next week sometime…