Ted Comes Clean

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Self-righteous cock gobbler, drug addict and hypocrite Ted Haggard has finally spoken out about the errors  of his ways in an upcoming doco on HBO. It’s been two years since Ted rode the Hershey Highway and lost  his job as head honcho of the Scariest Church Ever.

At first I thought that maybe it took Ted this long to think up a good excuse to explain why he did what he did but it turns out he had a deal with his former church to keep his trap shut for a big wad of cash and a truck.

I guess the church hoped that people would forget about old Ted and his knob-jockeying ways but he’s back only a year later hoping to cash in on the whole shamozzle.  “It taught me how desperately I need help from God,” he said. “I’m much more compassionate, much more understanding in my life.”

By “God” I think he means “the bank” and by “compassionate” I think he means “desperate for cock”.

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