I have a terrible secret and need to tell someone because otherwise I don’t know what I’ll do. You see I’ve been married to my husband for 18 months and I think he is already losing interest in me. Then I did something terrible. I told him I was pregnant so he would stay with me. He thinks I’m only three months and got really excited about being married again and the baby and everything. Soon he will know that there is no baby and I can’t pretend to have a miscarriage because it means going to the hospital. I thought about eating more and more so I put on weight until I can come up with a solution. Please help me. I’m desperate!! T.P.
Oh come on. You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.
Here’s an idea for you. Go to the local toy shop and buy a plastic baby like the one in the photo. Then go home and treat it like it’s a real baby by breast feeding it and changing its nappy and singing it to sleep. When your husband asks you what the hell you are doing look at him like he’s the one who’s crazy. Eventually he’ll have you committed to the psyche ward. Which is where you belong.
My future mother-in-law is very awkward. When her son and I were first courting (aged 34 and 37) she threw me out of the house. This was because late one evening when she was in bed we were kissing on the sofa. She regularly invites his ex round for tea and she can do no wrong. His mother has even been to the solicitor’s to stop me getting any of her money when she dies. I don’t want her horrible money! She is extremely manipulative and often will fain illness when her family are visiting. She won’t listen to me at all and doesn’t seem to have any respect for me. Unfortunately we end up having her around for Christmas every year even though he has a brother. Can you help? Barbara.
Dear Babs,
I’m sorry but I’m not sure what era you are from. Courting? I’m guessing it’s the Regency period. In which case, 34 and 37 is positively ancient and you should be preparing for retirement rather than nuptials.
But seriously, what is most concerning about your dilemma is not your mother-in-law’s “awkwardness” but that your soon-to-be-husband still lived with her when he was 37 years of age.I hate to break it to you but the guy is obviously having sex with her. If I were youI’d hot-foot it round to the brother’s place and have an affair with him. That will really give her something to bitch about. Then you’ll be a slut as well as a gold digger.But at least you won’t have to see her at Christmas.
My house husband (of 9.5 years) has recently been spending an unusual amount of time on the internet, usually he will only do this during the day when our three children are at school. He has also recently requested a cosmetic nose operation on top of the whole body waxes which he started getting about six months ago. He is an excellent house husband and father to our three children, and although he is not a traditional provider, he supplements our income by selling foot spas online which is his excuse for spending exorbitant hours in front of the screen. He has become increasingly distant, not interested in sex, and as I mentioned before, he sits on the internet until the early hours in the morning, (he tells me he is conducting market research for his foot spa business).
These recent antics have me concerned. Last night I heard him crying in the bathroom, which he later denied. He says nothing is wrong but I can’t connect with him on any emotional level and am not even sure if I am attracted to him any more. I feel like I need to do something, but don’t know what or how to approach him.
Alex.
Dear Alex,
What do you expect when you chain your husband to the kitchen sink for 9.5 years? I hate to tell you this but your husband is gay. How do I know this? The foot spas. The body waxing. The nose job. The late night crying. It all adds up. No wonder you don’t fancy him any more. What you could do is get a sex change operation and try to win back his love. You already have a man’s name so at least you won’t have to change that.
With my many years of relationship experience combined with my incredible astrological insight and wisdom, I bring you my ultimate guide to dating every sign of the zodiac in the hope that I can at least save you from one more dating disaster. Forewarned is forearmed.
Aries
If you’re looking for a selfish, impatient, and angry bastard who is motivated entirely by his own interests then look no further than Aries. This guy sees everything as a competition and will even trample down his own grandmother in an egg-and-spoon race to get over the finish line first. Whether he’s revving his engine at the traffic lights or pummelling his opponent’s face into the football field with his fist, you can be guaranteed an action packed adventure with this macho man. He’ll push in front of you in a queue and always goes through a door first. When you gently suggest he might try being a little more considerate of others he’ll look at you bewildered as he tries to remember your name.
Taurus
Greedy, lazy, tight-fisted and stubborn, Taurus will make you pay for dinner then lie back and expect you to do everything in the sack. Taurus is all about the sensual pleasures of life: food. If he tries to introduce it into the boudoir don’t start thinking he’s gone all Nine and a Half Weeks on you. You can be certain he only intends to eat it. When he’s finished you can lie in the crumbs next to him and think about how fat he’ll be in five years.
Gemini
This arsehole will talk about you behind your back, sleep with your best friend, then come home and piss all over the toilet seat. Geminis like to think they are eternally youthfully and full of childlike wonder when in actual fact they are just immature losers who can’t hold down a job for longer than five minutes. He’ll stand you up if something better comes along, won’t return your calls or actually do anything he says he’s going to do. Gemini will drive you insane with frustration as you watch him start a million different hobbies and projects and never finish one of them. They are fond of wearing Lycra, despite not actually owning a bike. If that’s not grounds for dismisal then I don’t know what is.
Cancer
Cancerians want you to think they are sensitive to your emotions and really in tune with women but it’s all an act to fool you into listening to him go on for hours about how he had such a hard time growing up and no one liked him because of his mansion and private schooling. This leads to pathetic attempts at popularity among his peers. So desperate to be liked and accepted, he goes to great lengths to appear cool and hip but just ends up looking like a fuckwit set to bad music. This is because he secretly wants to sleep with his mother. The majority of Cancerians never leave home. If they do they still have their parents provide everything for them. If you date a Cancerian you will never get over your own bad judgement and will eventually die from embarrassment.
Leo
Flashy displays of generosity and magnanimity are just a front for the fact that he’s an arrogant prick. When he’s not being an arrogant prick, he’s busy being an arrogant prick. Leo sincerely believes that you should bow when he enters the room. And when you’ve done that you can go get his paper and slippers for him. He is the king after all. He’ll take you out to the best restaurants in town and look at himself in the back of a spoon. When you’re out strolling in the park, he’ll take off his mirrored sunglasses and fix his hair. When you go to watch a romantic film together you’ll catch him checking out his biceps in the dark. When you tell him you don’t think it’s working out between you he’ll ask you what the hell is wrong with you.
Virgo
If you want to spend your weekends purchasing vitamins and Googling medical conditions, start hanging out with a Virgo. On your first date he will get you to help him alphabetize his ailments. When you’re done you can sit and listen to him point out your faults as he gazes at you through a magnifying glass under a spotlight. Virgo likes to immediately jump in the shower after sex because he has to wash all the girl germs off. No one would blame you for smothering him in his sleep.
Libra
All Libra men are gay.
Scorpio
If you want to go to jail for twenty years to life then Scorpio is the man for you. (This is based on the statistical data that seven out of ten Scorpio people are murdered.) Sure, he seems really smooth and hot and sexy, and he is. He’s on fire in the bedroom and will make you feel like the only person he’s ever had eyes for. But when you come home to find your frozen chicken stabbed with a pair of scissors and the cord cut off your iron, you’ll start to wish you hadn’t smiled at the waiter when you were out for dinner last week. Insane jealousy, suspicion, emotional manipulation and continual mind-fucking are all solid foundations for a great relationship. And murder.
Sagittarius
This guy thinks he’s smart and witty and entertaining. Everyone else thinks he’s an idiot. In fact, Sagittarians are so socially inept they are often known as the ‘embarrassing relatives’ of the zodiac. If you start dating one you should expect your social credibility to go down by about 42% in the first five minutes, then steadily decline at a rate of 0.5% a day until you are in negative balance. By the time you realise you have no friends left Sagittarius has already moved on to someone else and you will die cold and alone in a housing commission high rise, your life in ruins.
Capricorn
Firstly, if you find yourself on a date with a Capricorn you should double check that he actually is a Capricorn because most of them don’t leave work to go on dates unless it can benefit their career in some way. Perhaps you’re his boss. Perhaps he’s mistaken you for someone important. Either way, he’ll regale you with fascinating tales of the ups and downs of his stock portfolio over a lovely dinner of raw lentils and cardboard. This bastard is so boring you’ll be wishing you’d gone on a date with a chair instead. In fact, if you’re so desperate that you actually consider going home with him, be warned: sleeping with a Capricorn is like having sex with a blow up doll without any air in it.
Aquarius
When you meet Aquarius you are overwhelmed with a sense of excitement. He’s electric, he’s quirky, funny, original, brilliant and sponaneous. He’s also erratic and unreliable. You discover this when you go around to see him and his flatmate tells you he went to live in an ashram in India and has taken your CD collection with him. Take heart in the knowledge that your relationship wouldn’t have lasted anyway because he will eventually die of auto-erotic asphyxiation.
Pisces
The victim of the zodiac, Pisces blames everyone else for everything that has gone wrong in his life. If you meet one, look carefully and you’ll notice at least five of the following traits:
I just happened to glance at the archive list on this blog and thought, Wow! I’ve been doing this for three years now! That’s the longest I’ve ever committed to anything!
Then I realised that all of 2008 is missing. Naturally, I found this quite confusing. I mean, what the hell was I doing for a whole year that was more interesting than writing absolute rubbish on the Internet? Nothing that I could remember. Then I realised: I must have been abducted by aliens for the whole of 2008. Hey! Don’t laugh. When you play The Sims and look through the telescope long enough, your Sim gets abducted and comes back with a whole different personality. A whole different personality! It makes perfect sense! I never used to be like this! I used to be someone else.
A quick scan of Wikipedia turned up this set of criteria, or is it criterium? Whatever it is, I think I can tick all the boxes if I try hard enough. They don’t have “resides in a trailer park” on there but that’s just a stereotype. So there you have it. Another year. Thanks for dropping by.
Finally! I thought this day would never come. Luckily the folks at the Today show on Channel 9 have recognised the awesome talent of this genius actor and given him the acknowledgment he deserves.
Every day should be Tom Cruise appreciation day. I don’t know why anyone didn’t think of it before! I mean, the guy’s awesome! He makes amazing films, has a really good grasp on reality, doesn’t have a height complex, is not a closet homosexual, gives excellent advice to women, never jumps on the furniture, and didn’t spawn a child through alien sperm donation.
If anyone deserves an appreciation day it’s Tom. It’s a perfectly sane, logical idea. Good onya Today Show! Outstanding journalism.
We had moved in together two years ago and were happy, but circumstances regarding family issues and finances dictated that we move back in with our parents respectively. I got a job delivering Chinese food around my area, and I have been at it for nearly 2 years now. In this time I met a 17 year old girl who works on the counter with me one night per week. We have built up a close friendship through intimate conversations and a little harmless flirting.
Just recently we shared our feelings for each other and it turns out that they are mutually strong. This girl makes me happy when she phones and texts me and I would do anything to make her happy, but in recent weeks, I have tried to make a move on her and she didn’t want to know, saying “You have a girlfriend and I’m not into the whole affair thing”. She also told me that she would go with me if I were to end my existing relationship and I am now beginning to doubt my love for my fiancee.
I didn’t ask to have strong feelings for this new girl and I don’t want to see my relationship with my Fiancee end, or even suffer – as it is doing because of this. On the other hand, I don’t want to lose a close friend, no matter how much of a tease she seems to be.
I got engaged about 3 years ago.
We had moved in together two years ago and were happy, but circumstances regarding family issues and finances dictated that we move back in with our parents respectively. I got a job delivering Chinese food around my area, and I have been at it for nearly 2 years now. In this time I met a 17 year old girl who works on the counter with me one night per week. We have built up a close friendship through intimate conversations and a little harmless flirting.
Just recently we shared our feelings for each other and it turns out that they are mutually strong. This girl makes me happy when she phones and texts me and I would do anything to make her happy, but in recent weeks, I have tried to make a move on her and she didn’t want to know, saying “You have a girlfriend and I’m not into the whole affair thing”. She also told me that she would go with me if I were to end my existing relationship and I am now beginning to doubt my love for my fiancee.
I didn’t ask to have strong feelings for this new girl and I don’t want to see my relationship with my Fiancee end, or even suffer – as it is doing because of this. On the other hand, I don’t want to lose a close friend, no matter how much of a tease she seems to be.
Confused.
Dear Confused,
Whoah! Hold the phone! Let’s focus on the real problem here. Are you that guy who works at the Chinese restaurant near me? The guy who took AN HOUR AND FORTY FIVE MINUTES to deliver my take-away last month? I suspect you are. How about you concentrate a little more on doing your job and a little less on the home-wrecking floozy who “works the counter”?
Clearly you are just being selfish. I think you should break it off with your fiancee immediately, stop flirting and texting this counter girl and bring me some wantons, chilli prawns with vegetables, a large fried rice and a bottle of Coke.
Chop chop.
Yours truly,
Miss Demeanor.
Do you have a problem? Email lorksalordy at gmail dot com and benefit from my insight, hindsight and wisdom.
I’ve always wanted to be an Agony Aunt, mainly because I have a gift for giving really good advice and I believe it is my duty to share it. Therefore, I have scoured the Internets looking for someone with a problem. I found this:
Dear Miss Demeanor,
I hope you can help me, approx one year ago I asked my godfather to move into our house permenantly to help our financial situation since then things have been going well.
The thing is, I am not sure if there is something going on between my mum and my godfather. Every now and then they act very secretive (and we have no secrets) and very weird. Yesterday when I went into my mum’s bedroom to see if she was alright her PJ’s were on the floor including her under garments and this is not the case as she went to bed in them last night as I said good night and turned her light off. It might be me being stupid but I need some advice, and I hope you can shed some light on this. My godfather’s behaviour is very weirde sometimes he acts very flirtatious with my mum and it creeps me out…
Dear Whatever Your Name Is,
Firstly, you started it by asking your godfather to move in with you for your own selfish money- grubbing reasons.
Secondly, who the hell is this godfather character anyway? Is he from that novel by Mario Puzo? Do you call him “Godfather” to his face? If so, cool.
And thirdly, you know your mum is shagging this guy. Give them some damn privacy and stop checking up on where she leaves her pyjamas and undies. Who are you? The pyjama and undie police? And why the hell are you turning off her light at night? I think your mum is scared of you and your “weirde” ways. Clearly you are jealous and just want the Godfather for yourself. And who can blame you? Personally I’d go for someone who went by the name Godfather too. It has an element of danger. Do everyone a favour and move out. They’re probably sick of the sight of you.
Yours truly,
Miss Demeanor.
PS. Everyone has secrets.
Do you have a problem? Email lorksalordy at gmail dot com and let me put your mind at ease with my incredible insight, hindsight and wisdom.
I just watched Misery again after many years and I couldn’t help thinking (as poor old Paul endured the psychotic wrath of his number one fan, Kathy Bates) that if someone had thought to invent the Internet a little earlier, none of this would have happened.
Poor old Paul had to drive through the snow to hand deliver his freshly typed manuscript to his publisher, crashed his car, got rescued by a crazy bitch, was held prisoner and tortured for months on end , resurrected a dead character, got hobbled with a sledgehammer, locked in a cellar and, finally, smashed Kathy Bates’ skull in with a typewriter. And all because of a distinct lack of technology. If he’d just waited another five or six years and emailed his book to his publisher, he could have saved his ankles and none of this would have happened.
It just goes to show that the Internet is clearly saving lives and preventing a lot of needless violence in our modern day society.
In the olden days god appeared and spoke directly to people (Gn. 3:8, Ex. 12:1) often acting violently and punitively. Then the prophets came along and decided that god’s image needed a bit of PR if he was going to be respected as the head honcho and the boss of everyone. These geniuses of spin managed to explain evil without directly implicating god. As a result, god became more distant and more merciful. Angels and demons replaced him in his encounters with men, with Satan ultimately assuming responsibility for god’s nasty side.
Jump forward a few thousand years and we have the angels of the new millenium — or as I like to refer to them — fairies for grown-ups. Thanks to the likes of Doreen Virtue, (a woman who seems to be cultivating her image to actually resemble an angel) these messengers from god are readily available to anyone anywhere. You can even buy Doreen’s angel cards and books at Kmart! Now that’s omnipresence!
The modern-day angel can help you with anything you ask for, from finding a parking space to curing cancer. They are non-denominational (negating any need for violence), personal (we’ve each got a our own guardian angel) and really attractive — all golden and flowing and shit. Some are lavender like Doreen.
So if you’re feeling as though you’re not getting what you want from life, why not give the angels a try?
Poor old Farrah Fawcett. After a long and public battle with cancer and the release of a dramatic, last-rites-the-end-is-nigh-any-minute-now, I’m-on-my-deathbed photo only to have Michael Jackson steal her thunder at the final hour!
I wonder what would have happened if Princess Diana, Elvis and Michael Jackson all died on the same day. The Internet would explode. News travels fast these days my friends, and if you’re going to die you’d better hurry up in case someone more famous than you dies first.
I love psychics. They’re so entertaining. They’re also full of shit. So here, ranked not according to any real or imagined ability but rather for their incredible audacity to spout absolute bullshit, is the ultimate guide to People Who Are More Than Willing to Relieve You of Your Cash in Return for Nothing. They fall into two categories: those who actually believe they have a “gift” (aka delusional) and those who are outright liars (aka outright liars). So here they are, from the ridiculous to the stupid. Gaze into the crystal ball and see if you can predict the winner.
10. Edgar Cayce
Known as the Sleeping Prophet, this joker would reveal his premonitions whilst having a bit of a snooze. Edgar (who is hailed by some as the father of the New Age movement) would lie down and enter a trance-like state, delivering his messages to people who weren’t there from people that don’t exist. That’s right, the person he was doing the reading for wasn’t even allowed in the room at the time. Old Sleepy Head would focus mainly on health problems but his powers also extended to reincarnation, business advice and personal problems. He was also quite fond of astral travel and would nip off for a bit of a trek about the place whenever the mood would strike. A devout Christian, poor Edgar falls into the delusional category of psychics, taking out the tenth place with a double whammy of delusion by being both a Christian and a psychic. Even though he died in 1945, his legacy lives on with tens of thousands of nut jobs around the globe keeping his dreams alive.
9. Sylvia Browne
This old bag is the stuff of nightmares — really creepy nightmares where scary women tell you that dead people are watching you all the time. Even when you poo. Her attention seeking ways began at the tender age of five when she revealed to her grandma that she was having visions. Instead of rushing poor little Sylvie off to the nearest shrink, grandma encouraged the delusional behaviour and seventy years later Little Miss I-See-Dead-People has authored several books and appeared on countless TV shows and even a soap opera. Sylvia is a regular visitor to heaven and, oddly, claims that the weather is perfect and there are no insects. Sounds awesome. Despite her ambient temperature requirements and latent entomophobia, Sylvia falls into the category of outright liar psychic because, as she revealed to her ex-husband in 2007, “gullible people deserve to be taken advantage of”. Convicted of grand larceny in 1992, Sylvia has faced several fraud charges over the years. But the worst moment must surely have been when the missing young man, whose parents she told on national television that their son was dead, turned up a few months later alive and well.
8. Uri Gellar
Spoon bending fruitcake from Tel Aviv, Uri Gellar has been proven time and again as a fraud and that his cutlery deforming ways are a crock of shit. Yet he still insists that he really does have the powers of psychokinesis. Moving on from parlour tricks, Uri decided to try his hand at predictions, particularly sports results, but he was so bad at it that it soon became known as the Gellar Curse: if he predicted the team would win, they would almost certainly lose. Uri then tried acting and writing only to discover that he sucked at that too. In fact, the only thing Uri was good at was suing people. But Uri’s greatest moment was when he declared kidnapped Hungarian model, Helga Farkas, would be found alive and well. She was in fact murdered by her kidnappers. Uri gets the prize for most persistent lunatic but it should not detract from the fact that he is the ultimate outright liar.
7. Jackie Stallone
Jackie Stallone can read your arse. That’s right, your rear end. Sly’s mum has pioneered the revival of a supposedly ancient and bizarre technique known as Rumpology, which in layman’s terms is butt reading. You send Jackie a picture of your backside and she’ll tell you everything you need to know about your life, loves, the future and the past. It’s all written in the cheeks, where the left one represents the right hemisphere of the brain and vice versa. You get a personal report written by Jackie herself detailing exactly what your bum has in store for you in the next 12 months. Despite looking like a hatful of arseholes herself, Jackie seems to be financially secure which makes me suspect that she might be somewhat delusional about her talents.
6. John Edward
Stage-prancing, tunic-sporting fat boy, John Edward is the showman of the psychic scene. Most wannabe psychics aspire to be just like John. King of the cold reading, John’s predictions seem to fly all over the place and never seem to settle on anything concrete: “It starts with a W or is it an A? No wait, has Mom passed on? No? I’m getting an older female. Your grandmother has passed? Her name was Valerie? Yeah. It’s her. She’s showing me yellow roses.” Outright liar. Next.
5. James Van Praagh
More of the same with this clown I’m afraid. In fact James is so unoriginal in his methods that he could almost be considered a Generic Psychic. He’s written a few books, had a TV show and gotten pretty much all of his public predictions wrong. James likes to prey on people who have recently lost a loved one by claiming to get his information direct from heaven. The lines must be crossed or something because James says that sometimes he misinterprets the meaning and has an odd habit of correcting his predictions after the fact with the benefit of hindsight. There’s no delusion here just an outright liar. He’s also as camp as Christmas.
4. Derek Acorah
Regular readers will know how much I love Derek. Even though he’s completely full of shit, at least he’s entertaining. This guy’s the ultimate melodramatic psychic, always getting possessed by some rogue ghost or other. The former footballer likes to roam the country in his big bus looking for haunted locations then tells the residents some crock about the spirits not being able to move on. He then conducts a seance, gets possessed, collapses, gets carried outside to recover before going back in to finish the job. He’s stoic, I’ll give him that. He’s also an outright liar.
3. Doreen Virtue
Looking like a newer, improved version of Sylvia Browne, Dr. Doreen has a PhD in something to do with psychology. I think she may have gotten it over the Internet or out of a Cornflakes packet. Maybe it was a box of crackers. Whatever it was, it certainly helped her understand human nature enough to take advantage of it. Doreen talks to angels. She also runs Certified Angel Therapy Courses, where you too can learn to speak to imaginary beings. You have to pay of course. You can also buy her Angel Oracle Cards, which she designed herself. Doreen is the queen of merchandising, with a plethora of books, tapes, CDs, kits and jewelry. Doreen has a range. Doreen has an empire. This makes me suspect that she is less of a psychic and more of a marketing genius. Ka-ching! Ka-ching! She does get personalised messages from Archangels now and again, which she posts on her website for all to read. Maybe she does this to keep the hordes happy when the sales start to dwindle. Check out her message boards when you’re bored one day and you’ll see the ramblings of the delusional hanging on every word of this outright liar.
2. Allison DuBois
I think it’s pronounced Doob-wah but I like to pronounce it as Dubious. She’s on the telly in that show called Medium where she has premonitions and gets around all stressed and shit. To be honest I don’t really know what happens on the show because I’ve never been able to sit through an entire episode without nodding off. Allison’s a bit of a glamour girl, more glamourous than Dr. Doreen. In fact she almost gets her tits out on her website. Being a psychic is big business and if you really want to make it you’d better look good. Sex sells and that rule doesn’t stop just cos you’re being all spiritual and stuff. Put it this way, Allison ain’t no medium. She’s closer to a large. Allison claims she’s been touched by many spirits over the years and they’ve all helped her put together her crap books. If I’d been touched by that many spirits I’d be filing a police report.
Newsflash: It wasn’t the spirits touching you Allison. It was Daddy.
1. Emily Poynton
You may not have heard about this precocious little shit but that’s only because she’s just starting out. Give it time. She’ll be scamming someone at a psychic convention near you soon. This could quite possible be the worst case of child abuse ever. Little Emily is the daughter of Jodiann Poynton who obviously failed miserably as a psychic in her own right and decided to exploit her own daughter in an attempt to get some recognition. Now Emily is hailed as Australia’s youngest psychic at just 8 years old. Emily can’t go to school any more because she is too sensitive. Emily glows with love. Emily has this amazing gift. Emily, my friends, is full of shit, evil shit pumped into her brain by her self-serving, egomaniac mother. Here’s the best that Emily can come up with in a reading: “Always take good care of yourself. You’re a beautiful person and you have always been a beautiful person and always take good care of yourself. Do you understand?” In fact she seems to end every sentence with “Do you understand?” which makes me suspect that she doesn’t.
It’s that alone that wins Emily first place. See the Bindi Irwin of the psychic world here:
The end is nigh! If it’s not today, it’ll be tomorrow. If it’s not tomorrow it might be next week. It could be three weeks from Monday. It could happen on the first Sunday after the first full moon after the equinox (i.e. Easter). But it’s gonna happen. It’s just a matter of when.
Fortunately there’s some good news in sight. When god finally gets pissed off with everyone and decides to torch the joint, you can rest assured in the knowledge that you can spam your unbelieving relatives from the comfort of heaven, giving them one last chance to accept Jesus as their main man.
These jokers have come up with a brilliant idea where for 40 American bucks you can spam up to 62 of your closest friends and relatives on the day of reckoning. So, if they have previously laughed in your face at your attempts to bring them salvation, you might still be able to reach them at the last minute.
Well sort of.
The problem is, this crazy scheme is set up to automatically send all this salvation spam when the site administrators fail to log in for three consecutive days. Then it waits for another three days, just to be sure. Then it sends out the spam to all the non-believing heathens six days after the end of the world.
“But if the world ends won’t the Internet end too?”
Indeed. Here’s the answer:
I do believe that the Internet will be up and running. There may be some localized temporary outages. Today the entire global economic and commerce system is completely dependant on the Internet to function. They will keep it working. There is also huge redundancy and overlap in the system. A message keep trying pathways and services until it is delivered. Most of the net is buried underground. Eventually God will take it down, as he destroys the World system that has been built up by a people trying to do it all without him. That won’t be until the second half of the tribulation though.
Phew.Looks like they’ve really thought this thing through.
“But what if my loved ones’ computers melt in the inferno?”
A very important question but there’s no answer for that one unfortunately.
Looks like they might have to install a firewall.
And how do you know you can trust these people with your $40?
Just read their statement of faith and remember that Jesus “died dead on the cross” for you, you ungrateful bastard.
TV Chef, Kylie Kwong, has revealed that her book, My China: A Feast for all the Senses, published in 2007, was actually a misprint and was never intended to be released as a mainstream Chinese cookbook. Speaking exclusively to Good Luck with All That, Kylie revealed that the book was originally intended to be titled My Vagina: A Feast for all the Senses but the publishers somehow got it wrong and inadvertently got the manuscript mixed up with a real Chinese cookbook.
“I submitted a delightful series of photographs to my publisher depicting my hoo-ha in a variety of scenes involving fruit, lobster and rice but somehow they got it mixed up with a book that was submitted by an unknown Chinese chef, Sum Yung Guy. The print run went ahead and the rest, as they say, is history.
“Although I am incredibly grateful for the success of the book, I can’t help feeling a little bit saddened by the fact that the original work was never released to the Australian public. My minge looked amazing in those shots and I wish I was getting the credit for that instead of all these stupid recipes that no one can make.”
So what happened to the pictures and, more importantly, how did Sum Yung Guy feel about the mix-up?
“Well it took some time for us to get to the bottom of it but it turns out that my original book was credited to Mr Guy and printed by a small independent publisher off shore.
“Because I look like a man the book was a huge hit with the lady-boy lovers of Thailand and Mr Guy is laughing all the way to the bank.”
Self-righteous cock gobbler, drug addict and hypocrite Ted Haggard has finally spoken out about the errors of his ways in an upcoming doco on HBO. It’s been two years since Ted rode the Hershey Highway and lost his job as head honcho of the Scariest Church Ever.
At first I thought that maybe it took Ted this long to think up a good excuse to explain why he did what he did but it turns out he had a deal with his former church to keep his trap shut for a big wad of cash and a truck.
I guess the church hoped that people would forget about old Ted and his knob-jockeying ways but he’s back only a year later hoping to cash in on the whole shamozzle. “It taught me how desperately I need help from God,” he said. “I’m much more compassionate, much more understanding in my life.”
By “God” I think he means “the bank” and by “compassionate” I think he means “desperate for cock”.
Dear Agony Aunt,
Dear Miss D,
With my many years of relationship experience combined with my incredible astrological insight and wisdom, I bring you my ultimate guide to dating every sign of the zodiac in the hope that I can at least save you from one more dating disaster. Forewarned is forearmed.
Dear Miss Demeanor,
Jump forward a few thousand years and we have the angels of the new millenium — or as I like to refer to them — fairies for grown-ups. Thanks to the likes of Doreen Virtue, (a woman who seems to be cultivating her image to actually resemble an angel) these messengers from god are readily available to anyone anywhere. You can even buy Doreen’s angel cards and books at Kmart! Now that’s omnipresence!
Poor old Farrah Fawcett. After a long and public battle with cancer and the release of a dramatic, last-rites-the-end-is-nigh-any-minute-now, I’m-on-my-deathbed photo only to have Michael Jackson steal her thunder at the final hour!
I love psychics. They’re so entertaining. They’re also full of shit. So here, ranked not according to any real or imagined ability but rather for their incredible audacity to spout absolute bullshit, is the ultimate guide to People Who Are More Than Willing to Relieve You of Your Cash in Return for Nothing. They fall into two categories: those who actually believe they have a “gift” (aka delusional) and those who are outright liars (aka outright liars). So here they are, from the ridiculous to the stupid. Gaze into the crystal ball and see if you can predict the winner.
